


The Heir Doth Protest

by mercurialMalcontent



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Light Bondage, M/M, Oral Sex, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:47:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercurialMalcontent/pseuds/mercurialMalcontent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat has been acting strange lately --  calm, unflappable, and sometimes even smiling dreamily at nothing -- and while it's something of a respite from his usual yelling, it's gone on long enough the others are concerned. They make vague plans to find out just what the hell is going on, but John, as the only person who can still get under Karkat's skin, decides on a direct approach... and discovers some very interesting things indeed about his favorite shouty troll and his unnerving moirail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

gallowsCalibrator opened a new memo on board SUP3R S3CR3T WORRYW4RT ROOM. Topic is 1 DON'T C4R3 WHAT YOU'R3 DO1NG, G3T YOUR ASS3S IN H3R3

GC invited TG to the memo.  
GC invited EB to the memo.  
GC invited GG to the memo.  
GC invited GA to the memo.  
GC invited TT to the memo.

TG: oooh super secret should I feel honored  
TG: or maybe insulted because worrying is not a thing I do   
TT: Liar.   
GC: L14R! >:O  
GC: 4LSO SHUT UP D4V3, TH1S 1S R34LLY S3R1OUS   
TG: aw babe you know im not capable of stopping the flow once it gets started   
GG: oh nooooo here come the red miles   
GA: Damn I Had Things To Do Today Too   
EB: geez dave you heard the ladies, can it already!   
TG: harsh bro  
TG: i know you love the way i can go on forever dont deny it egbert  
TG: i can go on all night long   
EB: dave!!!   
GG: hehehe woooow his ears are going red, good work dave!!   
EB: stop looking at me jade!    
TG: ten points to team strider   
TT: Oh goodness, this I have to see.  
TT: I always thought John was too oblivious to even have a blush reflex.   
EB: shut up rose!   
GC: DO3S 4NYON3 W4NT TO KNOW WH4T SUP3R S3CR3T TH1NG YOU SHOULD B3 WORRY1NG ABOUT OR 1S 3V3RYON3 ST1LL BUSY FL1RT1NG?   
GA: I Want To Know  
GA: Although I Can Guess It Has Something To Do With The Conspicuous Absence Of Our Erstwhile Leader And His Pet Demented Clown From This Memo   
GC: YOU 4R3 CORR3CT!   
GG: i thought it was a lot quieter in here than it should be   
GA: Yes With Dave John And Karkat In Here None Of Us Would Get A Word In Edgewise   
EB: wow, rude. i totally let everyone else talk.  
EB: i am the letting people have a turn master, unlike some people i could name, dave.   
TG: yeah yeah save it egbert we all know that in person youre a nonstop stream of tactless commentary   
EB: hey, if that question was really rhetorical you shouldn't have sounded liked you cared, mr. pokerface.  
EB: and for the record you're the guy who always said if you were a chick you'd want an honest answer, so i gave you one.  
EB: your butt looks big in those god pjs, the end.   
TT: You didn't.   
EB: i totally did.   
GG: well i think his butt looks great in those god pjs!   
GC: TH3 COURT AGR33S   
TG: thank you   
GG: john is just jealous his butt is flat :P   
EB: oh please, i am not.   
TT: I believe you, John.  
TT: You're just an ass man.   
EB: what!!   
TG: dont deny it we all know you check out karkats butt   
EB: i do not!  
EB: i don't know the first thing about karkat's butt!!!   
GC: 4RGH, W1LL YOU 4LL SHUT UP ALR34DY?   
GC: 1F 1 W4NT3D TO L1ST3N TO YOU B1CK3R 1 COULD DO THAT F4C3 TO F4C3   
GC: 1M R3GR3TT1NG GO1NG TO THE TROUBL3 OF S3TT1NG UP 4 M3MO K4RK4T 4ND G4MZ33 C4N'T 4CC3SS WH3N 1T'S OBV1OUS 1M TH3 ONLY ON3 WHO C4R3S >:[   
GA: Hey Now   
GC: SORRY  
GC: BUT THE PO1NT ST4NDS!   
GG: sorry terezi, i will hush up now   
TT: Yes, same.   
TG: do i really have to be here since im not worried   
EB: yeah, me too!   
GC: Y3S >:O  
GC: 3V3N THOUGH YOU BOTH 4R3 TH3 ON3S B3N3F1TT1NG FROM K4RK4TS N3W FOUND M3LLOWN3SS TH3 MOST, TH4T DO3SNT M34N 1T 1SN'T 4 D1STURB1NG D3V3LOPM3NT!   
TG: dude finally grows up a little and youre worried  
TG: sometimes i just don't know about you tz   
GC: DONT G1V3 M3 TH4T D4V3, YOUR3 D34DP4N DO3SNT H1D3 TH3 SC3NT OF YOUR JUV3N1L3 B3H4V1OR FROM M3 >:]  
GC: 1N F4CT 1T W4S SM3LL1NG YOU TRY1NG TO R1L3 H1M UP 4ND F41L1NG UTT3RLY Y3ST3RD4Y TH4T PROMPT3D M3 TO T4K3 4CT1ON!   
TG: that isnt a thing you can smell  
TG: if id ever done anything like that  
TG: which i didnt   
GC: SM3LLS L1K3 SOUR GR4P3S, 4CTU4LLY  
GC: 4ND CUT3 SOUR CH3RRY POUTS >:]   
GG: what was that about no flirting? :|   
GC: HUSH YOU   
TT: I have noticed that Karkat has been almost absurdly laid back, even by non-shouty standards.   
GA: Yes And I Caught Him Smiling At Nothing A Few Days Ago   
TG: whoa i didn't know his face was capable of it   
GG: well not like hed ever smile at you :P  
GG: but yeah smiling at nothing is pretty weird for him!!  
GG: its pretty weird for anybody but john   
EB: jade!   
GC: SH3S GOT 4 PO1NT  
GC: K4RK4T 1S K1ND OF THE ANT1-JOHN 4S F4R 4S SURF4C3 P3RSON4L1TY GO3S   
EB: haha, maybe this explains why he explodes whenever i touch him!   
GG: oooh have you been touching karkat a lot?  
GG: do tell >:)   
TT: Oh yes, do, we haven't had any good romantic drama in ages.   
EB: no!!  
EB: i mean i didn't mean it that way.   
TG: sure you didnt   
EB: get your minds out of the gutter, i meant bro hugs and fistbumps and stuff!   
TT: I suppose that might be enough, you are rather clingy.   
GC: HMM  
GC: 1 H4V3 NOT1C3D TH4T TH3 ONLY T1M3 K4RK4T H4S 4 FORC3FUL R34CT1ON TO 4NYTH1NG L4T3LY H4S B33N WH3N JOHN BUGS H1M  
GC: BUT TH4T 1S 1RR3L3V4NT TO MY CONC3RNS 4BOUT TH3 SOURC3 OF H1S N3WFOUND 1NN3R P34C3   
GA: Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking   
GC: 1F 1T H4S SOzM3TH1NG TO DO W1TH 4 C3RT41N JUGG4LO, Y3S   
GA: Oh Dear   
GG: i think im missing something   
TG: yeah what does the crazy clown fuck have to do with anything  
TG: dude is hells of unmellow   
TT: Ah, so romance IS in the air.   
TG: what no   
GA: I Hated Him First Dave So Step Off   
TT: Now, now. There's enough lanky juggalo for you both to share.   
GC: UUUUGH  
GC: W1LL YOU QU1T W1TH TH3 ROM4NC3 HOOFB34STSH1T!  
GC: K4N4Y4 1 4M D1SS4PPO1NT3D 1N YOU   
GA: Sorry  
GA: The Subject Just  
GA: Arrrgh   
GG: im more lost that ever  
GG: karkats acting weird, terezi and kanaya think it has something to do with gamzee, and???   
GA: Gamzee Used To Have A Sopor Slime Addiction  
GA: It Ended Badly   
TG: you mean that green goo you sleep in   
GA: Yes He Ate It   
TG: gross   
GC: 3XTR3M3LY!  
GC: 3V3N 1F H3 D1D COOK 1T  
GC: 1T CONTR1BUT3D TO H1M BE1NG 3XTR3M3LY P4SS1V3  
GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK K4RK4T WOULD L3T H1M ST4RT 34T1NG 1T 4G41N BUT NOW 1 WOND3R 1F SOPOR 1S B3H1ND WHY TH31R MO1R4LL3G13NC3 1S WORK1NG SO W3LL   
GA: I Knew It Was A Poor Choice  
GA: 'Fated' My Shapely Round Bottom   
GG: yes it is!   
GA: What Fated   
GG: no, shapely and round :3   
TG: jesus christ jade   
GG: but seriously we dont know for sure that this is what is happening :/   
GA: Im Willing To Bet Theres A Reason For Me To Do A Little Maiming   
GC: NO MS L1ME LOLL1POP 1S R1GHT  
GC: W3 C4NT CONV1CT W1TH 4 TOT4L L4CK OF EV1D3NC3   
GA: I Could Make Some   
TG: wait what lime lollipop   
EB: yeah, aren't lollipops for lick-- oh god.   
TG: oh god   
GG: heheh   
TT: Oh -my-.   
GC: OH SHUT UP!  
GC: TH3 PO1NT 1S, 1F YOU C4N PUT YOUR HORMON3S 4W4Y FOR F1V3 S3CONDS  
GC: W3 N33D TO F1ND OUT WH4T'S R34LLY GO1NG ON 4ND 4CT ON TH4T   
TT: Have you tried asking Karkat?   
GC: OF COURS3 >:P  
GC: H3 D1DN'T T3LL M3 4NYTH1NG US3FUL  
GC: 4ND H3S H4RD TO R34D WH3N H3S L1KE TH1S!   
TG: fuck no wonder youre worried dude is usually an open book  
TG: bluh bluh i totally dont feel the very thing written all over my dumb face   
GC: 3X4CTLY  
GC: 1VE 4LSO GON3 S34CH1NG BUT 1 COULDN'T SN1FF TH3M OUT   
GG: so what should we do, just keep an eye on him and gamzee?   
GC: PR3TTY MUCH  
GC: S33 1F YOU C4N F1GUR3 OUT WH3R3 TH3Y D1S4PP34R OFF TO FOR SO LONG  
GC: BUT B3 C4R3FUL! DONT CONFRONT TH3M 1F YOU DON'T 4BSOLUT3LY H4V3 TO  
GC: TH1S M34NS YOU K4N4Y4   
GA: Duly Noted   
GC: 1F YOU F1ND WH3R3 TH3Y G3T OFF TO W41T FOR TH3M TO L34V3 4ND TH3N CH3CK FOR 3V1D3NC3  
GC: 4ND DONT D1SCUSS TH1S OUT LOUD, K33P 1T TO TH3 M3MO  
GC: YOU KNOW HOW P4R4NO1D K4RK4T 1S 4ND 1 DONT 3XP3CT TH4T H4S L3FT H1M 3NT1R3LY CONS1D3R1NG HOW H4RD H1M 4ND G4MZ33 4R3 TO F1ND SOM3T1MES   
GG: i will try pinpointing where they go with my space powers  
GG: the angles of this place make it kind of confusing though so well need men on the ground  
GG: so to speak!   
TT: Men on the ground who will keep quiet about this, John.   
EB: that's not fair, rose. i can totally keep my lips sealed.  
EB: ziiiip.  
EB: but it's too bad the sprites aren't around to give us a hand!   
GA: Yes I Can't Imagine Why They All Volunteered At Once To Go Scavenging Around Your Planets What With How Charming Everyones Personalities Are Right Now   
EB: no kidding! jaspers would be really helpful, since no one would suspect a cat is actually spying on them and not just chasing a dustmouse or something.   
TT: Right up until they point they ask him what he's doing and he tells them.  
TT: He is just a cat, John.   
EB: but cats are sneaky and secretive!   
TT: You obviously haven't lived around cats much.  
TT: Anyway, I will do my best to keep an eye out and see if I can notice any other oddities in Karkat's behavior.   
GA: Same   
TG: i guess im in too   
GC: 3XC3LL3NT!  
GC: H3R3S HOP1NG W3 SOLV3 TH1S C4S3 B3FOR3 4NYTH1NG GO3S WRONG

GC has closed the memo.


	2. Chapter 2

**== > Be Karkat**

You cannot be Karkat! He's way too evasive right now.

      

**== > Be Gamzee**

hahahaha. NICE TRY, MOTHERFUCKER.

      

**== > Be John**

Yeah, you can do that. John is raring to go and looking for action!

So the first thing you do is blurt to Jade, "Do you really think we should be worried about Kar--" She gives you a glare and you clap a hand over your mouth. "Sorry! But, well, do you?"

Jade frowns as she swivels back and forth in her chair. "I think so, at least a little. It is a pretty dramatic personality change!"

"Yeah, he hasn't thrown a fit at me after losing a game in weeks. Which is kind of nice, actually." You sigh and fidget in your chair like Jade 's fidgeting in hers. "I don't know how to feel! I don't know what we're going to do if it is drugs, I don't think trolls have D.A.R.E." Jade's ears go back in puzzlement, but you're too busy chasing another thought to explain. "What if he's sick? Maybe this is how trolls act when they're sick." Okay, that thought does worry you. "Oh man, what do we even do when a troll is sick, does aspirin even work on them?"

"Oh geez, calm down, John. He's probably not sick! Probably." Jade's brows furrow momentarily, then she brightens. "You said he still gets mad at you for touching him?"

"Heehee, yeah, his voice cracks and he does he does that noodlearm flail!" You grin, remembering the last time he'd done that – he'd actually squeaked! And all you'd done was ruffle the hair at the base of his neck. "Then he usually elbows me in the gut and absconds." You make a face, because that part kind of sucks.

Jade is looking at you funny, though. "Have you ever thought of maybe _not_ touching him?"

"Well, yeah, but I'm just being friendly!" Your stomach drops as she narrows her eyes in what feels an awful lot like a Look. "I mean. Um. Don't look at me that way, Jade! I totally leave him alone every time he tells me to fuck off, he just usually doesn't."

"And he gets mad at you anyway."

Wow, are you on thin ice right now! You flail a little, yourself. "Well, only if I like, lean too close or hug him for too long and stuff! And he's fine with it right up until the moment he's flailing at me! It's not my fault it's hilarious."

"Hmm."

"Hmm?"

"Hmmmmmm."

"I hate it when you hmm at me in that tone of voice."

Jade rolls her eyes and sighs like you are the most impossibly dense person ever. "We _are_ talking about the guy who had a spade crush on you."

"What?" You blink at her in confusion a moment before it hits you. "What! No!" You jump out of your chair in agitation. "I mean, that was years ago! Ancient history. Anyway, I hug everyone."

"And get pretty clingy!"

Your guts go all squidgy. "That's a filthy lie." You throw yourself back down and huff. "Anyway, this has nothing to do with Ka-- I mean, this mysterious problem we aren't talking about. Which we should get to work on!" You bounce right back to your feet and toward the door. "I'm going to go look for clues!"

Jade yells at you, but you're so fast out the door all you catch is 'fuckass'.

Yeah, well! You resent the accusations that... um. Jade didn't really accuse you of anything, it's true, but she implied an accusation of some sort, probably having to do with flirting, and you just won't hold with that. She has no place to accuse anyone of flirting, anyway, she's one of the biggest flirts you've ever seen! It's ridiculous!

You're most of the way to the library before you realize that in your agitation you've lifted right off your feet and have been blowing along on a stiff breeze. You cut the wind and drop to the floor with a puff of annoyance. Why were you even headed toward the library? The people you're mostly likely to meet in there are Rose and Kanaya, and you think if Rose winks at you right now you will die of embarrassment. Then you will resurrect five minutes later and promptly die of embarrassment again, and it will turn into an endless cycle of stupid.

**== > Peer in anyway.**

You might as well take a look, since you're here and all.

It's not much of a library, although you all did as well as you could, salvaging from your homes the books and movies that hadn't been ravaged by imps. The trolls contributed what they could, too, and once you and the other humans managed to learn a little Alternian script you actually got some use out of the books that weren't FLARP add-ons, disturbing art books, baffling comics, or Karkat's romance novels.

Speak of the devil, there he is, huddled up in one of the overstuffed armchairs alchemized specially for the room. He's frowning deeply at the paperback in his hand, as if he disapproves of its very existence but is doing it a favor by reading it anyway.

It's such a typically Karkat expression you feel really silly about that whole memo, and for worrying about him at all! He's obviously fine. But you can't exactly go back and start a new memo with 'False alarm, I just caught Karkat glaring at a book!' Terezi would interrogate you on why you didn't observe more to make sure and pick up better clues and you don't want that. You're just going to have to investigate further.

**== > Bother Karkat.**

Well duh, of course you're going to bother him. In a friendly way!

"Hi Karkat!"

Karkat goes tense and sweeps his eyes up to meet yours. "John. I'd ask if you minded to leave me alone, but since you never do, let's cut to the chase -- what do you want?"

That's a typically Karkat question, too, if considerably politer than usual, and bored rather than irritated. You pout a little despite yourself. "I'm just happy to see you! How're you doing, buddy?"

"I _was_ reading a _book_." Karkat waves it at you and pointedly looks back down at the page.

"Not what, how." You go over and plop down onto the arm of his chair. "Seriously, you're kind of hard to find lately, I just want to know if you're okay and healthy and everything."

Wow, you are so smooth, you very nearly blurted everything out right there. You'd facepalm, but Karkat is already giving you a funny enough look. "Egbert, despite certain similarities in goofy assholeishness, you are not, in fact, my moirail."

"Pfft, no, I'm human, and I know what you think of us and our... 'friendship'." You give him your best sneaky grin and waggle your eyebrows at him.

Karkat gives you a deeply unimpressed eyeroll. "Yes John, you're all palesluts, so naughty, ooh." His inflection is so flat you can't help but giggle. "I also don't _care_." He sticks his nose back into his book. "Go infect someone else with your gross human friendship."

"But I've already infected everyone else I wanted to infect." You lean closer; Karkat makes a grossed out face and leans away. "Oh, come on. I just want to know if things are okay with you. Purely platonic non-quadranted palhoncho to palhoncho."

"Things were just fine until you showed up to annoy me." Karkat swats at you with his book. "What about 'I'm reading a book' says 'I'm not doing anything, please interrupt me and ask me intrusive questions'?"

You bat the book away. "The part where it presents itself as a perfect opportunity to pin you down for once!"

Karkat's eyes widen and he swings the book at your face. You dodge it, just, and almost knock yourself off of your perch. "Hey," you protest.

"You were wrong about quadrants, Egbert, you've singlehandedly created a new one just for you and me." He swings and you have to dodge again. "It's the 'violently nauseated' quadrant where two people annoy each other very much. The symbol is my face, vomiting everywhere."

"Eww! But wouldn't it be a quindre-- ow." You lean away and pout at him while you rub our arm where he smacked it. "I was just asking."

"You were just _irritating me to death_ , which wouldn't even be an escape because then you'd get to annoy me via dreambubble throughout the endless void." Karkat glares, and if looks could kill you would be a smoldering pile of ash for the next five minutes. "Now _go away_." He pointedly shoves the book up in front of his face.

"Not a chance, Karkat!" You push his book aside and lean in close. "I think you just won't tell me what's up because you have something to hide."

If you thought Karkat's eyes had gone wide before, it's nothing compared to now! His mouth even drops open a little. He looks really different like this, vulnerable, and you can't help but smirk at him. _Bingo_.

Karkat erupts out of the chair, overbalancing you and sending you sprawling into it. "Congratulations, you insufferable moron, you've just annoyed me into leaving! Good job!" He drops the book onto your head and it lands open side down, like some sort of stupid hat.

"Karkaaat--"

"Fuck you too!!" Karkat whirls on his heels and storms out of the room.

You pull the book off of your head as you watch Karkat leave. His butt is clenched so tight you figure he must be _really_ mad at you! Which tells you absolutely nothing, of course. Karkat being mad at you is like the sky being blue. Er, if there were still a sky.

You groan and rub your forehead. Ugh, why did you have to go and say that? You may have just blown this investigation completely! Now Karkat is sure to suspect something is up, unless you're really lucky and he assumes that you were just being you, which is usually enough to get him going.

You siiigh and consider the book he dropped onto your head. Maybe it's some sort of clue. Somehow. It looks like another one of his weird troll romances with the ridiculous overexplanatory title taking up a full quarter of the front cover, which surprises you not at all. You frown as you try to puzzle out as much of the Alternian as you can before it gives you a headache.

_In Which Two Trolls Widely Separated By Blood Caste, Brought Together By Their Shared Social Role Herding Cavelreaper Sabertoothed Mewbeasts, Spark A Bitter Rivalry Between Them Which The Blueblood Treats With Cavalier Disdain Despite Many Incidents Of Exchanging Intense Caliginous Feelings With The Rustblood_ \--

You drop the book like it burned you. "Um," you say to no one in particular.


	3. Chapter 3

**== > Go tell Jade she may have had a point about that spade crush thing.**

Hell no! She'd never let you live it down.

**== > Read the book for clues.**

Yeah, because struggling your way through gooey melodrama until your head feels like it's going to explode is going to tell you sooo much.

It's not like that book is really evidence of anything anyway. Karkat reads dumb books like that all of the time. For a while, you thought most of his book collection was black romance bodice rippers. Er, turtleneck rippers? Bluh, troll romance is stupid, who cares.

You've got to do something, though, not just brood over Karkat's book. You're definitely not the brooding type, for one thing.

**== > Go find Karkat.**

Man, you're probably the last person he wants to see right now -- which makes this a really good idea!If you can bother him into going and doing whatever it is he does to get so relaxed, you'll have a chance of following him and finding out just what it is.

You drop his book onto the chair before you stroll out of the library. Of course you can't  _know_  where he stomped off to, but you would bet hard, cold boondollars that if he didn't head off to his room, he went to the kitchen instead. There's nothing like being flustered and annoyed to give Karkat an appetite for something sweet.

However, when you get there you only find Rose perched on a counter, a book in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. "Hey Rose! Have you seen Karkat?"

Rose looks up from her book, an odd quirk to her lips. "As a matter of fact, you just missed him. He left a minute ago under the arm of his moirail."

"Did Gamzee really carry him out? You scrunch up your face as you try to imagine it and fail.

 _"No_ , John." She looks about ready to heave a sigh, but your silly grin makes her chuckle and shake her head. "Why were you looking for him, anyway? From the sounds of it he'd just stormed  _away_  from you."

Your grin goes a bit fixed. "Why do you say that?"

"Because he was going on, at some length, about insufferable nosiness and mixed messages. My sympathetic noises only encouraged him and he was in quite a froth by the time Gamzee came along to calm him down." She raises her eyebrows at you as she takes a sip of her coffee. "John, what  _did_  you say to him?"

"What! Nothing! Karkat's just like that!" You fidget, looking from Rose to the door and back again.

"Lately he  _isn't_ , which is the whole point to this exercise." She tilts her head. "Well. Isn't like that except after you finish with him."

Your fidgeting turns to outright squirminess. "I don't know, maybe it's a talent! Anyway, I have to go after them and see what's up since you didn't!"

You bolt out the door before Rose can try to pick you apart anymore, but the way she smiles as you turn tells you she learned a lot more than you wanted to tell anyway. Not that you have anything to hide! Just, geez, she was like the Seer of Innuendo or something, except she found it where there wasn't any!

It takes you until you're well away from the kitchen and down some dusty, unfamiliar corridor to realized that not only are you blowing along on the breeze again, you have no idea where you are or where you can find Karkat and Gamzee from here. You cross your arms and hang there in the middle of the hallway while you contemplate your options.

Not like you have very many! You can't teleport or stop time or see into people's futures – aw, damn, you should have told Rose to do that! Unless she already thought of it and it hadn't worked. Ugh. All you can do is annoy Karkat, go blasting down hallways like a jet-propelled dumbass, and listen to the breeze through the air ducts so you don't walk in on people doing embarrassing things. You're like... god of ventilation.

God of ventilation in a laboratory just filled with ducts and grates!

A grin blooms on your face as you glide forward, eyes sweeping the tops of the walls for a grate. When you find one you float up close and lean your head close. "Where's Karkat?" you whisper into the air.

A few moments later, a murmur comes to you through the grate – it's faint and far away, a clear sign the breeze had to carry it quite a ways. It gives you an idea of what direction to go, though, so you drift that way, stopping at a grate every ten or twenty feet to reorient yourself.

It takes four or five minutes before you catch the actual low rumble of the trolls' voices. You let the breeze die down for the most part, using just enough for you to drift forward silently as you listen.

"– drives me  _shithive maggots_  and I just want to--  _o-oh._ Aaah--"

"Shh, brother, just relax..."

Um.

"I want to hit him so hard tha-a-aaah a-aah, fuck _\--_ oooh _fuck-- mmmmh--_ "

Uh. You swallow hard. D.A.R.E didn't say anything about drugs making people sound like  _that_.

**== > Investigate the source of the sounds.**

You creep forward, listening hard to the choked gasps and, uh. Are those moans? Anyway, you listen to them hard so you know the room they're in when you get to it. You press yourself against the wall just to the side of the door frame and carefully peek in.

The dim room is filled with all sorts of industrial-looking clutter – crates, boxes, freestanding shelves full of weird machine parts, and some big weird machines for the parts to go into. You can't see anybody in there yet--

"Oh god. Oh _god_. Just."

"Mmmh..."

" _Please--_ "

But you can sure hear them.

You drift in, toes not quite touching the ground as you move from behind one stack of boxes to another. Nothing, nothing, and Karkat is gasping in a way that makes you feel pretty short of breath yourself before you spot movement beyond the debris. You settle to your feet and let the breeze die completely before you peer through a gap in some big hunk of machinery.

Your viewpoint affords you a clear view of a dirty metal table and Karkat, who is bent over it with his head cradled in his arms and his bare ass raised high. You have a somewhat less clear view of Gamzee, who is kneeling behind Karkat with his face pressed--

Um. Uh. Wow. That sure does explain the noises Karkat is making.

**== > Abscond.**

But you don't have any answers yet! You'd better stay put and see if this has any relevance to what you're supposed to be investigating.

Karkat starts rocking himself back against Gamzee and gasping these throaty sounds that make you have a hard time standing still. Gamzee does something that makes Karkat throw his head back and _whine_ and oh wow, oh wow, that is not a look you've ever seen on his face before and that's a damn shame.

Gamzee chuckles and gives Karkat's ass a long, lingering squeeze. "You ready, bro?"

"Wh-what do you _think_ \--"

"I think you're so ready you're motherfucking dripping, is what."

Wait -- dripping? You do a hurried inventory of what you know about troll anatomy, re-evaluate some terminology, and divide it by what you're seeing (which from this angle is not enough) to come up with a sum that makes you dizzy.

You get even dizzier when Gamzee climbs to his feet and pushes his pants down past his hips. You still can't see as much as you want but you see enough that you are sure that that is _very_ definitely a dick he's just freed. It's _purple_ and kind of a weird shape and holy shit did it just writhe? Yes, it did, not a whole lot but it did. Anyway, you are sure it's the troll equivalent of a dick.

Karkat lifts his butt even higher and gives Gamzee a desperate look from over his shoulder. " _Gamzee--_ "

"Shhh. Gonna calm you down, brother." Gamzee gives Karkat's upthrust ass another long squeeze before he starts pressing himself in. "Gonna calm... you... right... _down_."

" _Hnnnngh--_ "

You are suddenly and painfully aware that the pants of your usually comfy god pjs are inexplicably too tight. You bite back a hiss as you try to adjust your manaconda to a more comfortable position without actually shoving a hand down your pants.

**== > Shove a hand down your pants anyway because these adjustments aren't working.**

What? No! No no no no no. That would be Going Too Far. You'll just have to deal with your pants feeling too tight.

But Gamzee starts to thrust and Karkat _groans_ and those god pjs might as well be shrinkwrapped onto you for as much breathing room as your crotch has! You bite your lip so hard you're afraid you're going to make it bleed and adjust yourself again.

"You are so goddamned _beautiful_ , Karkat," Gamzee says as he smooths his hands over Karkat's hips, up his back, down to squeeze his ass. "Perfect and so... motherfucking... _tight_ \--"

Gamzee grabs Karkat's hips and slams into him. Karkat doesn't quite strangle a desperate noise as he rocks himself back against Gamzee in return, and your dick twitches so hard you have to clap a hand over it just to make sure it didn't just burst out of your pants! But no, of course it didn't, hahaha. You try not to breathe too loudly as you give your dick another adjustment. That's _all_ you're doing, you're certainly not palming it and you _definitely_ don't moan in relief as you do.

Not that you think the trolls are actually able to hear you over their panting and those choked moans Karkat's making. He sounds like he'd be just as loud when he's getting fucked as he is at any other time if he weren't trying to hold back. Too bad. Karkat's screaming is one of your favorite things about him.

"Oh god, oh god _nnh_ please--"

"You _uhn--_ be needing somethin', bro?" Karkat whines and tries to dart a hand down to his crotch. A lazy grin crosses Gamzee's face as he catches Karkat's wrist. "You gotta _say_ it, best friend."

Karkat squeezes his eyes shut and whines in desperation. " _Augh_ you complete _nnngh--_ let me _come--"_

"Nothin'-- stopping you--" Gamzee chuckles roughly as Karkat whines again and releases that wrist, only to slip his own hand between Karkat's legs. "Nothin' _nnh_ at all--"

" _Fuck_ \--! Oh fuck oh fuck oh oh _oooh--_ "

Oh fuck is right! You're whimpering as you rub your dick through your clothes at the same quick pace Gamzee is jerking Karkat off, because just palming it was going to make you explode in frustration! Hell, one last holdout corner of your brain is warning you you're close to exploding anyway--

"That's it brother," Gamzee gasps as he pounds Karkat harder, "let it out--"

"Aah aah aah _nnh HNNNNGH--_ " Karkat's back arches hard as he goes rigid, his clenched teeth barely restraining wrenching strangled sounds that ought to be screams.

God, you want to scream, too! You're so close it hurts and rubbing yourself through all this cloth is not enough. You groan in frustration and shove your hand down your pants--

**== > Isn't this Going Too Far?**

Shit!!

It's not only going too far, that was a pretty loud groan you just made! The other two are too busy -- wow, is Karkat _still_ going?? -- to notice, but it would be just your luck to make an embarrassing noise right when they go silent.

Time to get the hell out of here and find a bathroom!

You just about trip over your own feet in your scramble backward, and you do thump right into another giant piece of machinery. Fortunately, Gamzee lapsing into strangled moans of his own covers all the noise you make and you escape into the hallway unnoticed.

Your wind powers propel you down the hallway faster than you could run, even though right now you're not in a state to control it very well and you bounce off the walls a few times. You don't care, you just want some privacy before you develop a serious case of blue balls.

When you find a bathroom you almost sob with relief -- that ache in your groin hasn't let up one little bit. You burst in and yank your pants down, not even thinking to check to see if you're really alone first. You collapse against the wall opposite the sinks, already pumping your dick.

You squeeze your eyes shut to block out the flushed mess staring back at you from the mirror and everything you just watched replays itself in your head _,_ except now _you're_ the one fucking Karkat. You're the one squeezing his plush rump and thrusting into a wet heat you can only vaguely imagine, you're the one making him pant and moan, and when Karkat tries to stroke himself you grab his wrist, twist his arm behind his back hard, and pound him until he's close to tears and begging you to let him come--

A yelp escapes you as you spill yourself out all over the black and white tile.

Your knees buckle a bit as you come back to yourself, panting and ears ringing. You stare unseeing at the floor a moment before you eyes trace up the trail of translucent droplets that, whoa, go right up the side of the sink, and ever so slowly raise your eyes to the mirror and meet the gaze of your reflection.

Welp. That sure was a thing you just did!


	4. Chapter 4

gallowsCalibrator opened a new memo on board SUP3R S3CR3T WORRYW4RT ROOM. Topic is ST4TUS R3PORT

GC: 4LL R1GHT P3OPL3, SHOW M3 WH4T YOUV3 GOT!  
GC: W3 C4NT ST4RT PUTT1NG TH1S PUZZL3 TOG3TH3R UNT1L W3 H4V3 4LL TH3 P13C3S  
GC: SO COUGH 3M UP >:]  
GG: i havent seen him all day  
GA: Me Either  
TG: ran into karkat in the kitchen at 2100 hours  
TG: put my coffee spoon into the sugar tin right in front of him  
EB: eww!  
TG: asshole just sighed like I was his lifes biggest disappointment and walked out with an entire snackbars worth of food in his arms  
TG: princess pissypants has officially lost his crown  
GG: dave!!!  
GA: So Youre The One Putting Your Disgusting Wet Spoons Into The Sugar  
GA: Suddenly I Feel Torn Between Two Black Desires  
TG: youre fucking kidding me  
TG: call off your pet vampire rose  
TT: No.  
TT: In fact, I must sympathize with Kanaya as I feel my ire rising as high as my passions.   
TG: what  
TT: You're the reason my tea has tasted foul for a month running.  
TT: I think a chainsaw is a little much, however. Perhaps a paddle is more in order?  
TG: no  
GA: Yes I Think That Will Work Nicely  
GG: only if i get to help >:)  
TG: oh no no no tz john help me out here  
EB: not a chance! you're gross, dude.  
GC: 4ND TH3 COURT AGR33S W1TH TH3 R3COMM3ND3D PUN1SHM3NT!  
GC: 3SP3C14LLY B3C4US3 TRY1NG TO 4NT4GON1Z3 K4RK4T 1S NOT 4 P4RT OF TH3 PL4N >:[  
TG: hey now i made a valuable contribution  
TG: a dude doesnt eat like that unless he has some serious extracurricular activities going on if you know what i mean  
GG: thats not really enough evidence to do anything with though  
GC: NO BUT 1T 1S 4 D4T4PO1NT  
GC: 1T WOULD B3 N1C3 1F W3 H4D 4NY MOR3!  
TT: I also ran into Karkat in the kitchen, some hours earlier than Dave did. Call it around 1400.  
TT: He headed straight for the chocolate, but forgot all about it when he asked him what was wrong. You see, he was quite agitated, as it seems he'd just come from a confrontation with one John Egbert.  
TT: Before Gamzee collected him, he had a lot to say about, and I quote, 'mixed messages'.  
TT: Imagine me arching an eyebrow and giving John a pointed look.  
EB: hey now, let's not blow things out of proportion here! i already told you it it was just a bit of friendly pestering.  
EB: I tried to see if i could get him to open up a little, bro to bro, but you know how karkat is.  
EB: so if any of you are thinking anything about paddles you can just stop it right now.  
GG: huh, so thats where you rushed off to in such a hurry earlier  
GG: just how much did you get your hands on him this time???  
EB: wouldn't you like to know!  
GC: UM  
TG: something you want to tell us bro  
EB: bluh, it's a figure of speech!  
EB: and for your information I didn't lay a finger on him, although he did hit me with a book.  
GG: hmm  
GG: sounds like a case of spaaades >:)  
EB: oh god, don't start!!  
TT: Then perhaps I should continue by asking if you found out anything after you charged away in hot pursuit of our mysteriously chill duo.  
TT: As I recall, you were quite eager to get on top of them.  
EB: what's that supposed to mean???  
TT: It's supposed to mean 'What did you find out, John?'  
EB: oh.  
EB: well, not much.  
EB: i scurried all over the place looking for them! man, you should have seen how i scurried, i was like a busy blue mouse.  
TG: no wonder you were so red in the face earlier  
EB: huh??  
TG: you walked right past me bro  
TG: i said sup but you were off in some egbertian lala land  
TG: which apparently is one where youre staring down an incoming train or something  
TG: what was up with that anyway  
EB: um.  
EB: i guess i ran myself so ragged i didn't have any brain for anything else! haha.  
EB: anyway, i didn't find anything useful.  
GC: 4S FOR M3, 1 GOT ROUNDLY 1GNOR3D BY BOTH P4RT13S WH3N 1 3NCOUNT3R3D TH3M 1N TH3 TV ROOM  
GC: TH3Y W3R3 B31NG 4S 1NNOC3NTLY P4L3 4S 4 COUPL3 OF 3 SW33P OLDS  
GA: Do You Think They Are On To You  
GC: NO 1 TH1NK 1T W4S G3NU1N3  
GC: SORRY  
GA: Sigh  
GC: 1F NOTH1NG 3LS3 W3 H4V3 MOR3 INT3L TH4N W3 D1D TH1S 4FT3RNOON  
GC: BUT W3 N33D TO ST3P UP OUR G4M3!  
GC: NO MOR3 GO1NG OUT OF YOUR W4Y TO 4NT4GON1Z3 K4RK4T  
GC: TH1S GO3S TR1PL3 FOR YOU, JOHN  
EB: i keep telling you, i wasn't trying to antagonize him!!  
GG: yeah but youre not really the master of subtlety :/  
GC: 3X4CTLY  
GC: S4M3 T1M3 TOMORROW 3V3RYBODY!

GC has closed the memo.

 

You slump back in your chair and rub your face. Wow, that was a close one. You almost blew it, in more ways than one! … Well, you DID blow it in one way, but that one doesn't count, especially since you cleaned up after yourself and nobody was the wiser.

You're kind of frustrated now, though. You have way more information than anybody, but you can't share it until you have some hard conclusions – and you don't know how you're going to find anything more out if you can't antagonize Karkat. You can't so much as look at Karkat without antagonizing him!

Well, maybe you should antagonize him. It worked last time, and it'll work again, and it'll work better than any of their pussyfooting around will do. You leap up, sending your chair spinning. Fuck the system, this is for science! Or justice! Or one of those things, anyway!

Five seconds later you find yourself once again headed down the hall with a head full of purpose but empty of plan. You stop and grimace because, okay, throwing yourself headlong into the investigation worked once, but even you have to admit that if Karkat isn't already on to what you're doing, he sure will be if you keep being all aggressively friendly at him. Fortunately, there's no one around to see you turn back sheepishly and shut yourself in your room again.

You flop down onto your bed spread-eagled and chew at your lip as you think. Optimally you'd get to Karkat when no one else is around, or when he's not likely to run into anyone else once he absconds, but that's not really something you can control. But what you can do is play dumb! You are possibly the best at playing dumb there is. You have to be, considering your unfortunate talent at walking in on people when they're in compromising positions. You'd never be able to look anyone on this meteor in the eye otherwise.

It was bad enough when you'd first gotten here and everything you knew about knocking politely was suddenly obsolete, because it seemed like the only one of your meteormates that knew how to close a door after themselves was Karkat. Within a month you knew exactly what style and color of underwear everyone but Karkat preferred, and wow had that made face-to-face conversations difficult for a while.

You'd thought that everyone would be a little more careful with their privacy once their hormones ramped up, but instead the inverse happened. You found yourself continually walking past rooms and glancing in only to find two or more people too busy with other things to have closed the door. Your memory is cluttered with mental snapshots of Jade with her hand down Rose's panties, Kanaya with her head between Jade's legs, Dave with his hands up Jade's shirt...

… Now that you think about it, Jade sure gets a lot of action! You have a moment of jealousy before you shake it off and get back on your train of thought.

All of that experience honed your skill at playing dumb to a razor sharp edge, and now you have almost no trouble, say, chattering about Ghostbusters to Dave over breakfast, even when the night before you nearly walked in on him sprawled naked in his desk chair with both feet braced on the desk, one hand on his dick and the other thrusting two fingers up his ass. Sometimes it's hard, painfully so, but now you are the master. At playing dumb. Yes.

Right now, though, you need to play with something else for a while.

**== > Continue your planning.**

You would, but you kind of fell asleep after your little mental rest stop. Whoops!


	5. Chapter 5

**== > Continue your planning after you wake up.**

That's no problem for you at all! After a good night of sleep, you're ready to get it on in the shower. Something about getting yourself all soaped up always turns your crank, especially when it's about figuring out how to turn Karkat's crank. Sure, everything you do gets him hot, but unfortunately you can't just throw yourself at him and see what sticks. You'll have to choose your actions carefully so you can maintain plausible deniability and still get results – and the faster, the better.

One shower long enough to run out of hot water later, you have a plan firmly in hand, and it's as full of subtlety as it is full of Egbertian charm. You'll show Jade and Terezi just how subtle you can be! You'll show _everybody_.

Not that they'll notice if you're subtle enough, but whatever. 

**== > Go find Karkat.**

You could, but subtlety is your keyword here! You're best off letting things happen as they happen, even though you're really impatient for them to start happening already.

Fortunately, it's not too long before you get your first chance. You're headed to the kitchen to grab some breakfast when who should come walking down the hall toward you but your object of investigation himself, still in his pajamas and looking sleepy, tousled, and utterly oblivious to your presence. Perfect.

You give him your brightest grin. "Hey Karkat!" His brows furrow as you pause and let your eyes travel over his body, taking in how his shirt is askew and how low his pajama pants sit on his hips and, uh, wow, the way things wobble in there makes you pretty sure he's going commando! You lick your lips despite yourself before meeting his eyes again. "Good _morning_!"

Karkat's eyes widen dangerously, but you just grin a little wider and walk right on by. That ought to give him something to think about! And it's only fair, because he sure gave you something to think about. Does he usually sleep with no underpants on? Or wait, the trolls have those slime cocoon things, does he just wipe down and throw on whatever when he gets up?

Or what if you've never seen Karkat in his underwear before now because he doesn't wear underwear? Oh _man_.

You're thinking so hard about what Karkat has in his pants that you end up buttering your hand as you're making toast, and right when Dave walks in, too! You brace yourself for a taunt, but for all those shades are pointed at you he shambles past like you aren't even there.

"Wow, meteor to Dave Strider!" You pout at him as you scrub at your hand with a paper towel.

"Huh?" 

Dave stares at you so long you wonder if he's even actually awake behind those shades. You roll your eyes. "Geez Dave, do I need to set up a caffeine IV or something? I've shot zombies more lively than you!"

He snorts and shakes his head. "Nah, just get the coffee down for me," he rasps before he looks in the fridge. "Shit, where's my pizza? You better not have eaten my pizza, Egbert."

You huff as you get the bag of coffee out of the cupboard in front of you. "I didn't eat your gross pizza. It's on the bottom shelf, which you would be able to see if you had your eyes open. Seriously, are you sure you're not a zombie?"

"Feel pretty good for a zombie," Dave retorts in that same rasp as he crouches gingerly. "Ow, fuck."

"Yeah, you sound like you feel great." You reach past him to put the butter away. "Did you fall down the stairs ass-first or something?"

"No, and fuck you. I had an eventful evening." He grabs his foil-wrapped leftovers and stands with a hiss of pain. "Word to the wise, don't leave wet spoons in the sugar."

A grin blooms across your face. "They actually paddled you? Hahaha! I'm surprised you can even walk!" 

Dave snorts as he shuffles over to the coffee machine. "Yeah, so am I. Getting banged by four chicks with a vendetta really takes a toll on a guy's ass. And his everything else," he says, rubbing absently at his jaw.

You gape at his back for a moment before you remember your oblivious act. You put on your stupidest grin and force a laugh. "Haha, what?" 

He looks over at you. "Pff." A smirk twitches his lips. "Tell you when you're older."

"Uuuugh." You mime a kick at his butt and laugh when he flinches. "Whatever, you douche! Have fun trying to sit down," you say as you grab your plate of toast.

"Thanks, jackass," Dave calls after you.

Usually you wouldn't let that go without another insult, but your head is spinning a little too hard for you to get a last retort in. You didn't think the ladies were actually serious about paddling Dave, or you would have asked to joined in! To supervise the safety of the procedure, of course – Dave not being able to sit down was really going to put a crimp in gaming night. Yes, definitely to supervise, and not because you're thinking that girl trolls are probably equipped the same as boy trolls and Dave would probably look pretty hot bent over a table with his pants down and SHIT you just dropped your fucking toast.

It lands butter side down, of course, and that has to be why you suddenly feel so deeply bitter about everything. It certainly isn't because you're the _only one_ on this meteor not getting laid. That would be petty even for you.

God, you have to wrap up this investigation before you die of frustration!

**== > NOW go find Karkat.**

You spontaneously decide that subtlety is for losers. 

Unfortunately, it seems that paradox space has unilaterally declared you a loser. You not only can't find Karkat, you can't find much of anybody; when you finally do stumble across someone, it's Rose and Terezi sprawled together in an armchair and Rose almost falling out of her nightdress. Even though you blurt out "Have you guys seen Karkat?" like a big idiot, they scarcely seem to notice and just murmur negatives while they continue with their suspicious snuggling. As you back out of the room you see Terezi slip a hand up Rose's thigh.

Ugh, you are in SUCH a bad mood.

It doesn't get any better the rest of the day, and you are feeling downright malevolent by the time you're loading up on snacks to take to the TV room. So malevolent you're willing to get there half an hour early and have to sit around twiddling your thumbs until the others get there, because the rules are that the first one to gaming night gets to pick the first game and you are so picking Mario Kart.

Karkat _hates_ Mario Kart.

It's not that he's bad at it -- well, he's not good at it, but he stopped being awful once he gave in and accepted Toad as his patron saint -- but that everything is so colorful and whimsical and family-friendly. It's like a personal affront to him that he regularly gets creamed in obnoxiously cute ways, and his tiny mushroomy avatar just sits in his little car and mopes.

Your mood starts to lift when he gets there ( _sans_ clown, fortunately) and his sleepy good cheer immediately shifts to irritated scowling as you wave the Mario Kart box at him. "Oh hell no."

"Aw, come on, Karkat! It's fun!" You beam at him, which only makes his scowl deeper. "Besides, Dave can vouch that I was here first, so it's not like you have a choice."

"Embrace the douchiness, Karkles," Dave mumbles through a mouthful of popcorn.

"Yes, embrace the-- hey!"

"Egbert's the only one going to be doing any 'embracing' around here," Karkat growls as he flops down onto the sofa, "as I serve him hot armfuls of fuck you at high velocity."

Man, you're getting under his skin already, and he's been in the room for less than five minutes! Fucking with him is going to be SO much fun. You give him your best shit-eating grin as you toss him the second controller. "Pff, as if." 

He's better at the game than you remembered, his little mushroom dude navigating turns and jumps that a few months ago would have sent him into shrill curses as he plowed into a hillside or something. He's just better enough, in fact, that it's not suspicious when you let yourself fumble so he can shell you and race ahead. You swear convincingly in the face of his and Dave's derisive laughter. Inside you laugh, because this is all going according to plan.

It's not hard to catch up with Karkat and hover behind him like you just can't quite race well enough to pass, oh darn! Gee, if you only had shells, you could blast him out of your way, but you're fresh out! All you can do is follow right behind him while his muttering gets more and more irritated.

Karkat finally tries to lose you with a complicated swerve that only allows you to close the tiny gap and almost ram him. He huffs and snarls, "You wanna make me dinner first, Egbert?"

You grin brightly as you match his acceleration. "What do you mean, Karkat?" 

"You're _riding my ass_!"

"I am not, I'm just trying to get around you!" You ram him a good one and he curses. "See?"

Karkat tries, unsuccessfully, to get away from your bumping. "Then go the fuck around me!"

You ram him again and follow his swerve. "I'm trying!"

"John, I fucking swear--"

Dave snickers. "Paging Doctor Egbert to Proctology, Doctor Egbert to Proctology." 

"Bluh!" You make a face and slam into Karkat one last time before you blast off past him. Karkat makes a shrill little scream of rage and he fires a shell after you, but to no avail; it goes wide and you coast through the finish line. "There, is that better?"

"No, it is not fucking better--"

"Yeah John, you left poor Karkles high and dry. Least you coulda done was give him a reacharound."

"Shut up, Dave," you and Karkat snap simultaneously. 

"Pff, fine, but I get to pick the next game because like hell am I going to sit through another round of whatever the hell that was."

You let him, even though you were looking forward to another few rounds of literally driving Karkat around the bend. You end up kind of regretting it, because even as much as Karkat gets mad at games he's a lot better at anything that isn't Mario Kart, and by the time you're all running out of snacks Karkat's too chilled out to need his moirail any time soon.

You're going to have to think up another way to torment him. Fortunately, you think you have just the thing. "Man, it's late, we should wrap up. Who wants to help me with the dishes?"

"Not me," Dave says before Karkat can open his mouth.

You thought so, but you can't resist nettling him all the same. "Good, because that means we won't have to re-do everything you try to wash." You ignore his upraised middle finger as you gather up plates. "Come on, Karkat."

Karkat gives you a withering look. "I never said I'd help, _Egbert_."

"And you never said you wouldn't, either." You shove the plates at him and, being Karkat, he snarls but grabs them before any can tumble to the floor. You nudge him ahead of you as you call over your shoulder, "Take care of that ass, Dave!"

Karkat tries to turn around. "Wait, what?"

"Eyes on the prize, Karkat!"

"Prize? What prize. There is no prize. There is only the last minutes of my life, spent in increasing agony until your inane babble liquifies my thinksponge and it dribbles out my ears."

You can't help but giggle. "You sweet talker."

"Uuuugh."

Oh man, this is great. You grin at Karkat sidelong as you hipcheck him out of your way. He swears and fumbles the plates, allowing you to skip merrily along ahead while he recovers. The volume of swearing behind you is incredible and it takes everything you have to resist turning around to laugh at him.

It's worth it, though. Karkat comes into the kitchen in a fine fume, and when he sees you lounging against the sink he bares his teeth and tenses like he's about to throw the plates at your head. You take the stack from him in one smooth movement and set them in the sink. "Do you want to wash or dry?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? We have a cleaning device."

"Yeah, but I think it gives chores a special touch when you do them by hand with a friend!" You grin widely as Karkat's expression turns to curdled milk.

"I think you're out of your so-called mind. Washing shit by hand gives you wrinkled fingers and an acute sense of time wasted, time that could have been better spent shoving toothpicks into your own bulge while shitting yourself."

"Uh," you begin, but he cuts you off with a slash of his hand.

"NO, John. You are an idiot who defies explanation, but you can be an idiot a-fucking-lone because I am not indulging you in whatever panrotted human bro bonding ritual you've devised." He steps back, his voice rising. "And I am _leaving_ to do something _useful_ , like bang my head against the wall until I knock myself unconscious!" He thrusts both middle fingers toward you before whirling and storming out of the kitchen.

You stare after him for a moment, stunned. You haven't seen him that pissed off in weeks. That means...

That means you have to get these dishes in the dishwasher in record time so you can follow him!

Two minutes later the dishwasher is haphazardly filled and you're hurrying down the hallway and whispering instructions to the breeze. Karkat couldn't have gone too far, you hope; this time you really need to see the whole scene with him and Gamzee through to the sweaty, gasping end. A true investigator never leaves partway through the stakeout!

It occurs to you that a true investigator usually has some method of documentation, too. Do you have a camera? You think you have a camera, and since the breeze is leading you along in the direction of your room anyway you decide to pop in and look for it.

Of course as soon as you get to your room the breeze tugs at you insistently. You hesitate outside your door for a moment, until you hear not-Karkat voices from behind you. That decides you; the last thing you want right now is to be caught up in a conversation when you desperately need to be elsewhere. You all but fling yourself down the hallway in the direction the breeze tugs you, only pausing to listen at a vent when you're well down a dusty corridor. 

There's a raspy chuckle that sounds like it's right against your ear. "You're gonna wear a brother down to a nub, Karbro."

You jump back from the vent and freeze, but no, no, they aren't in there, Gamzee's previous habit of sneaking around in them notwithstanding. They just have to be really close if the breeze is bringing you a voice that clearly. 

"Yeah, well, I'm going to straight-up explode if I don't release some fucking pressure--"

"Shh bro, shh, I got more than enough to give, don't you worry."

And not a moment too soon, it sounds like. You whisper to the breeze again and hurry after it as it leads you on.

And on.

And on.

You're completely lost and getting more frantic by the second by the time you next press your ear to a vent. As clearly as if he were right in your lap, you hear Karkat snarl, "He's so fucking awful in every-- e-every possible way-- ah, there, right there--"

Damn it! If you don't find them soon you'll miss the good, er, important parts. You hurry along to the next vent.

"--and I swear to fucking god he does it all on purpose, I know he looks like an empty-panned idiot b-but aah aah _aah_ \-- all the things he does are carefully calculated to piss me right the hell off--"

"Brother, you got to be all up and tellin' him, not me." There's a gasp, and a deep groan that has to be Gamzee. "N-not that I'm complainin', mind--"

"How am I going to tell him?" Karkat's voice raises to a frantic snarl. "Either he's too stupid to understand or too sadistic to let on! He's-- a goddamn-- bulge tease--"

There's a heartfelt moan from Gamzee that makes you stand fully erect and at attention. "Oh fuck, oh fuck brother, you fill me so _good_ \--" He blurts a cry. "Keep goin'--"

Wait, fill? You'd always happily imagined Karkat as the one spreading his legs, but now your mind is painting images of him slamming into his moirail with the same kind of wild-eyed snarl he'd had before he'd stormed out of the kitchen and oh god you're light-headed.

"He probably-- probably gets _off_ on getting me angry-- probably goes and jerks himself off with one hand-- and pats himself on the back with the other-- every time he pisses me off--"

You huff. That's total slander, you have never once patted yourself on the back while spanking it. You're not even patting yourself on the back now. Rude!

"God, I just want to-- nnh--"

" _Aaah_ , bro, tell me--"

"I want to grab him by the hair and force him to his knees and-- and make him choke on my bulge--"

There's a high-pitched whining sound. It takes you a moment to realize it's you.

"I want to fuck his mouth, make him gag on my genetic material, make him beg like the bitch he is--"

Half of you is offended and grossed out; the other half is turned on beyond belief and before you know it, you've shoved your pants down far enough to free your aching dick. You don't even try to strangle the sound of relief you gasp when you start pumping it.

"Nnnh, bro, that sounds so fuckin' hot-- aah makin' him beg like I make you beg--"

"I'd make him fucking cry--"

You blurt an indignant yelp and pump your dick faster.

Gamzee's laugh trails off into a moan. "Wish I could watch--"

"You'd like that, you freak," Karkat gasps. "You'd get off on watching me bouncing on his bulge--"

"Ohhh you know I would-- I want it so fuckin' _bad_ , oh god, oh fuck brother pound me, harder--!"

You flop back against the wall and pant as you jerk yourself frantically, consumed with the thought of Karkat riding you while Gamzee leers and strokes his weird alien dick. It's all too easy for you to imagine it as Gamzee moans desperately over the wet slap of skin on skin, as Karkat snarls out wordless cries. You're gasping moans of your own as you imagine your hands tight on Karkat's hips, pulling at him hard as he fucks himself down on you until he's screaming and shaking, yes, yes, fuck yes--

Karkat's cries go wrenching and you're _gone_ , your cries echoing down the hallway as Karkat's and Gamzee's cries echo in your ears. You've barely stopped twitching before your knees give out and you slide down to the floor into a boneless heap.

You gasp for breath as you stare at the mess you've made. Without their voices in your ears, the hallway is suddenly quiet, painfully quiet, quiet enough you realize just how loud you've been. How far are you actually from the common areas, anyway? Far enough that someone isn't going to find you sitting here with your pants down, your hand around your dick, and jizz all over the floor?

"Fuck!" You scramble to your feet, getting tangled in your pants and nearly falling over in the process. You tug them up and, and, after giving the floor a disgusted look, decide that you don't care. Nobody can prove anything and it isn't like you'll be letting on you jerked off in a practically public place -- especially as you can hardly believe you went and did it AGAIN!


	6. Chapter 6

turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist

TG: yo john I need a word

ectoBiologist is idle!

TG: shit of course  
TG: what kind of dorkyass thing is a guy like you doing at almost midnight  
TG: playing ghostbusters  
TG: watching anime  
TG: you dont even watch the anime with the tentacle creatures I bet  
TG: youre too wholesome and all natural to watch that sort of thing I bet you dont even know why anime would have tentacle creatures in it

ectoBiologist is no longer idle!

EB: why would anime have tentacle creatures in it, dave?  
EB: enlighten me.  
EB: i'm all ears! or eyes, i guess.  
TG: nah not right now more important things on the schedule  
TG: like how you were irritating the fuck out of karkat earlier  
EB: wow, really? i had no idea!  
TG: seriously dude did you not realize that assfucking his mushroom guy with a gocart was going to kind of piss him off  
TG: i dont even want to know what shenanigans you got up to in the kitchen  
EB: what shenanigans!  
EB: there weren't any. period. none!  
EB: you're way too paranoid, bro.  
TG: yeah well  
TG: you need to tone it down all the same maybe just not talk to him for a while or something so you dont muddy the investigation waters any further  
TG: i know getting on his nerves is like the funniest thing but you go kind of nuts with it and thats not going to help our cause  
EB: geeeez, dave, you make it sound like this entire ~investigation~ rides on me!  
EB: maybe the rest of you guys need to step up your game.  
EB: have you found out anything yet?  
TG: well no  
EB: see? my point exactly.  
EB: but if makes you feel better, mr. worrypants-that-make-your-butt-look-big, i'll avoid him for a while.  
TG: hey thats uncalled for  
EB: no, no, i'm happy to make the sacrifice! for the cause of the ~investigation~.  
EB: you're welcome.

ectoBiologist ceased pestering turntechGodhead

TG: goddamnit john

**== > Implement plan B.**

What plan B? You don't have a plan B! Plans are for suckers, anyway, suckers who waste time and never see any action as a result. You are THROUGH with plans. From now on you are living in the moment and chasing after even the slightest opportunity!

Too bad there are no opportunities to chase after. You're all ready to pretty much jump Karkat the next time you see him, but the next time you see him he's talking to Dave, and you know you'd better not so much as arch an eyebrow in Karkat's direction. Not that this stops Karkat from giving you a look that makes your johnson sit up and beg, but before you can do anything about it Dave bugs you about some stupid thing and Karkat absconds. 

By the time you can get away, Karkat is long gone. There aren't even whispers on the breeze to guide you! You wander the corridors but all you find is nothing, more nothing, and a narrow hallway that gives you the creeps so bad you turn around and go back halfway down it.

Even after you get back to the living areas you don't see Karkat the rest of the day, or most of the day after. When you do it's only a glimpse of him disappearing into his room, wearing the kind of sleepily contented expression you've learned to associate with someone who's just had their brains fucked out. 

You're so mad you kick a wall.

To make matters like a jillion times worse, the breeze carries to you the sounds of everybody else having sex, even when you aren't actually listening for anything. It seems like your ears are filled with moans and sighs and people having really obnoxiously loud orgasms from breakfast until you go to bed. 

It makes you restless, so you take to prowling the corridors when you don't have anything more pressing to do, which is pretty much always. You find jack shit other than a few eyeful of other people's indiscreet moments, and those don't make you any happier because the hornier you get, the more irritable you are that it isn't Karkat you're catching in the act!

He still doesn't materialize, even when you loiter outside of his room with intentions to stay there all day if you have to. You stare at the door and think up all the things you could do if he opened it. You could make wild accusations to piss him off, or be aggressively friendly and get into his space, or just straight-up jump him. You'd get into a physical fight for sure, both of you rolling around the floor of his room, then your clothes would magically dissolve and you'd pin him and fuck him, or he'd get on top of you and fuck your mouth, or...

You last thirty minutes before you have to rush off to the nearest bathroom and take care of your raging hard-on.

None of this is helping, none of it is working, and you're so angry you could kick puppies, if puppies were still a thing that existed. When you wake up the next day you're prepared to be thoroughly unpleasant to absolutely everyone you meet, and storm out of your room ready to hunt down some trouble if trouble doesn't find you first. You're so pissy, in fact, that you almost stomp right past the library without noticing Karkat's there.

You haul yourself to a stumbling stop and tiptoe back to peer in at him. Karkat doesn't seem to have noticed you thundering past; he's crouched to peer at the books on the bottom shelf of one of the half-height bookshelves. 

**== > Devise a cunning plan.**

You know you said you were through with plans, but you just thought of a really great one!

You sneak up behind Karkat as quietly as you can. He doesn't seem to notice you, so you wait, hardly breathing, until he begins to stand -- and press in close as soon as his ass is at crotch level. "Hi Karkat! Hold still, I just have to get something down."

Karkat jerks. "What the _fuck_ , John--"

"I said hold still! I don't want to drop this thing on you." 'This thing' is whatever you have the corner of that's on the curio shelf above your heads. You have no use for it, but that's okay, you don't intend to grab it at all. "Oof, it's kind of high up," you say as you press more firmly against him.

"John fucking Egbert, if you don't stop pinning me against this shelf this second--" Karkat struggles back against you, but you hold firm, leaning forward and really enjoying how his bubble butt moves against your crotch. "-- I am going to invert you and decorate this room with your guts--"

"Oh come oooon, quit whining," you say, arching your hips against him as he struggles to at least get upright enough to stop bonking his horns on the shelf. "It'll just take me a moment to grab this thing!" Whoa, this is way, way better than you imagined, especially with him squirming and pushing against you. You grab onto the shelf above your head and arch harder. "Geez, if you don't stop squirming it's going to land on you!"

"Th-the only thing-- that's going to land-- is your head after I punt it across the room--" Karkat shoves himself upright just enough to get clear of the shelves, only for you to push him up against them. "John, what the hell do you think you're doing--"

"Just-- getting a thing," you say breathlessly as you grind against his ass. Karkat groans and slumps against the wall, pushing his ass against you, and you have to restrain yourself from shouting with glee. You knew it! He's so _easy_ , all you had to do was pin him down and hump his ass a little to get him into it.

And god, is Karkat ever into it, he's spreading his legs a little as he's rutting back against you. You hump him harder and he moans, which you echo because wow fuck he feels good even like this! You bet if you get him riled up enough he'll shove his pants down and beg you. 

You have a dim thought that him coming on the books is a bad idea, but they're probably romance novels and all sticky anyway, so who cares.

"J-john. John," Karkat gasps. "O-oh fuck, _John_ \--"

You whine and rut against him harder. This is it, he's going to beg you and you're going to give right in and have to try to last more than five seconds! "K-Karkat, Karkat, I wanna--"

"Hey bro, what's all up and happening in here?"

You jump away from Karkat so fast you're five shelves away before he's completely turned around. "H-hi Gamzee!" you chirp as you snatch down the closest book and hold it in front of your crotch.

Unlike you, Karkat isn't interested in playing innocent. His teeth are bared as he faces his moirail and oh wow, oh wow, his bulge looks like it's going to burst out of his pants. "What the fuck, Gamzee!"

The lanky clown ignores you as he shrugs and lounges back against the wall. "Nothin' bro, only I have something neat for you to be all getting your look on to."

"Something neat. Something _neat_." Karkat stalks toward Gamzee, his hands fisted. "You interrupted my private time for 'something neat'."

A grin spreads across Gamzee's face, even as he hunches sheepishly. "Well, yeah, bro, it's really neat! C'mon, you'll like it a lot, I promise."

"I can't imagine anything I could possibly like that much," Karkat spits. You feel a surge of pride and almost blurt out a thanks.

"Heheh, I can." Gamzee detaches himself from the wall and loops an arm around Karkat's shoulders. "When you see it you'll forget you were even mad at me." Karkat grumbles, but quickly subsides when Gamzee strokes one of his horns. "There now, see? You gotta be all trustin' your moirail, he'll take care of you." Karkat breathes a moan and you bite back a whine.

You consider protesting as Gamzee starts leading Karkat out of the room -- seriously, you have dibs! -- but before you can, Gamzee looks over his shoulder at you and gives you an absolutely _filthy_ grin. "Seeya soon, windybro."

You stare after them, open-mouthed, as they disappear into the corridor. What the hell was that supposed to mean! He couldn't possibly know you've been spying, err, investigating them, could he? You don't think he saw you humping Karkat when he came in, you're good at moving fast and looking innocent, but maybe he guessed from the tent in Karkat's trousers.

The thought of that tent gets you all hot again. If Karkat was so worked up he snarled at his moirail, he's definitely going to need to release some tension -- which is a perfect opportunity for surveillance. You shove your book camouflage back onto the shelf and hurry out into the hallway, already calling up the breeze to guide you.


	7. Chapter 7

**== > Follow them!**

Murmurs taunt you as you follow wisps of air from vent to vent. You really hope this isn't going to be another extended cocktease. "Come on, where are you," you mutter as you turn your sixth corner.

From the room almost immediately to your left comes Karkat's exasperated voice. "Gamzee, there isn't even anything fucking here, much less something 'neat'."

"Aw, bro, settle down and have some faith," Gamzee says. "C'mere, lemme keep you occupied 'til the show starts."

You tiptoe closer as Karkat shouts. "Ugh, no! I cannot believe you dragged me out here for nothing! He finally made a move, Gamzee, _finally_ , and then you just had to show up and ruin everything!"

You wince, expecting an outburst, but Gamzee just chuckles. "Nah, brother, shh, nothing's ruined. Calm your tits." Karkat groans and you bite your lip. "Everything's going to be just fine, I promise."

"O-oh come on, you just want me for yourself--"

"Haha, nah, Karkat, you been riding me so much lately I hardly have any juice left." You go hot all over at the mental image, as well as the embarrassed noise Karkat makes. "You'll see." There's the sound of a zipper, and Gamzee's tone turns pleading."You won't mind me takin' a little taste while we wait, will you, bro?"

"I, uh. S-sure, sure, go ahead." There's the sound of rustling cloth, then Karkat's breath catching. "Ah-- oh fuck..."

Now's your chance! You sneak up to the door and peer in. There aren't a lot of places to hide; this looks like it used to be some sort of break room, so there aren't any handy pieces of large machinery or shelves to slip behind. Then again, maybe you don't need to worry about it. Karkat's sprawled out naked on some sort of lounger with a hand over his eyes, and Gamzee is kneeling on the floor in front of him with his head between Karkat's legs.

Your dick twitches. Jackpot! You rub at your boner as you watch Karkat squirm and arch. After a few moments the hand not over his eyes drifts down to his crotch, where you can just see the tip of something dark red. Before Karkat can get his hand all the way down there, though, Gamzee grabs his wrist and pins it by his side with a little "uh-uh" noise.

Karkat whines. "Gamzee--" He gasps and his hips buck upward as Gamzee burrows into him. "Ah, ah, yes, oh god--"

You bite down on a moan as you slip your hand into your pants and around your dick. You're still annoyed Gamzee interrupted you both in the library, but you have to admit that watching Karkat getting tonguefucked but not being allowed to touch himself is almost as amazing. He's writhing and whining like he's going to die if Gamzee doesn't get him off, and he finally blurts, "Come on, please!"

"Mm-mm..."

"Gam _zee_ \--"

Gamzee pulls away with a chuckle. "Okay, brother, okay." He wipes at his mouth before he looks over his shoulder, toward the doorway. "Come on in, windybro!"

You freeze. Karkat sits bolt upright. "Wait, what?!"

Gamzee just grins that filthy grin at you as you yank your hand out of your pants. "I think he's been keepin' an eye on us, Karkat."

Karkat's expression goes furious. "WHAT? Egbert, I swear to god--" He struggles to stand but Gamzee pushes him down as easily as if Karkat were a doll.

Shit, you have to think fast. "Th-that's right!" you announce as you step into the room. "Everybody's noticed you've been acting weird lately, Karkat, and I've been investigating."

"Investigating!" Karkat stares at you in outraged disbelief. "Is that the word humans use for voyeurism?"

You wince and Gamzee chuckles. "No! But I had to find out why you're so happy lately! You're way too calm, and it's freaked people out." You glance between Karkat and Gamzee as you grasp for ways to make this look reasonable. "We were worried that you were, err, taking illicit substances. And I guess it isn't anything too bad after all, but... isn't this kind of doing moirallegiance wrong? I mean, aren't you supposed to be nonsexual?" You blink innocently. "I don't know if the others would be okay with that!"

Karkat makes an outraged noise. Gamzee chuckles again, but this time it's almost a growl. "Brother, they ain't gonna care, because a moirail does what he needs to to calm his pale bro down -- and he calms me down real good." He lets that sink in for a moment before he smirks and his eyes travel to your crotch. "Looks like you don't got any real complaints, anyway."

You glance down at your raging hard-on. Shit. God pajamas don't hide a damned thing, and there's a wetspot from all the precome you're leaking. "Um. Heheh. I guess not?"

Karkat struggles to get off the lounger. "I cannot fucking believe you, John, _spying_ on me--"

"Shoosh," Gamzee says, pushing him back. "I promised you somethin' neat, didn't I?" He gestures at you. "There you go."

"You have got to be kidding me," Karkat groans, putting his hands over his face.

"I'm not sure how to feel about this," you say.

"Aww, Karbro, just helping you make your move." He kisses Karkat's knee. "Facilitatin' things, like."

"I was already making my move in the library!" Karkat wails.

"Yeah!" you say.

"You know that wouldn't've amounted to nothin'. Windybro here woulda run away like a scared hopbeast at the first noise and left you with your pants down." Gamzee smirks at you, just daring you to contradict him. You swallow hard. "Here, though, here you got privacy to let all those pitch feelings out. Whatchya say, bro?"

"I." Karkat gives you a long, hard look, then looks at your crotch, where your boner has not deflated in the slightest. "You're a pretty goddamned good moirail, is what I say." He looks back up at your face. "As for you? I hate you _so fucking much_ , you awful, spying, bulgeteasing piece of _shit_ \--"

You giggle from sheer nervousness. "And you're pretty cute when you're angry with me!"

Karkat snarls and Gamzee laughs. "I'd better get out of your way, huh?" He clambers to his feet and saunters past you. "Have at, windybro." 

You beam and start pulling your shirt off over your head. All the flying and shenanigans you get up to with your wind powers have toned you up pretty nicely, you think, so you want to show off! "This is going to be so awesome-- hey!!"

You're caught in your shirt! You struggle, to no avail -- Gamzee's hands are on you and twisting your shirt around your arms. You yelp in protest but he just laughs and twists and pulls until he's tied your hands behind your back with your own shirt and hood. 

"See, I even gift wrapped him for you," Gamzee says, and gives you a shove toward a suddenly grinning Karkat.

"Holy shit, you are the actual best," Karkat breathes as he slips off the lounger. 

"This is really unfair," you complain.

"Unfair? Huh." Karkat gets up in your face and you can't help but notice how very, very naked and very, very aroused he is. "Just how many times did you watch me and Gamzee fuck?"

You bite your lip and squirm. "Um."

"And how long have you been blackflirting with me?"

"A... while?" you offer, helpfully. 

Karkat’s lips thin to a line. Behind you, Gamzee says, “He’s right, bro, it ain’t fair yet.” Hands pull at your pants and underwear. “But it’s gonna be.”

“Hey, wait,” you protest, but too late -- your dick springs free as your pants fall to your ankles. 

"Oh yeah, that's much better," Karkat says, licking his lips. You tense as he gets to his knees and wow holy shit he's got your dick in his mouth but there's no teeth, not even the hint of teeth, just warm wetness and big eyes gazing up at you as he sucks. You cry out and sag but Gamzee is behind you, forcing you upright as Karkat bobs his head, his hot wet mouth enveloping you again and again, and oh god oh god you're going to come--

Karkat pulls free and you wail in protest. "Oh, I should mention that there's one little condition I have."

"Whaaaat," you whine.

"If you come first, I get to fuck you in the ass."

Your dick twitches. "WHAT! I, what, no, no way, I, um," You stammer as he grins at you. "I've never, uh, done anything like that, so you can't!" Because you're going to pound him first, damn it! 

"Huh, really, windybro? I thought I saw you alchemizin' yourself a shamestick a while back, just after you threw away that hairbrush." He chuckles and murmurs into your ear, "Hair like yours, what'd you need a hairbrush for, anyway?"

You go hot from your hairline to your collarbones. You'd gotten a bright idea to alchemize a dildo after the handle of your pilfered hairbrush just wasn't enough anymore. "I-I mean I've never done anything like that with anyone ELSE, haha," you say before Gamzee can tell Karkat you'd used your own dick as a template. "It'd be, uh. Um."

"Don't worry, we got lube," Gamzee says helpfully.

"What we've also got," Karkat says as he gets back to his feet, "is a critical shortage of reciprocal attention to my bulge." He shoves down on your shoulders and Gamzee guides you so you're kneeling and face-to-face with Karkat's weird alien dick. Karkat laces his fingers through your hair and pulls your head back gently. "Open up."

You consider Karkat's bulge until he yanks on your hair. "Ow," you say sulkily, but you can take a hint. You get your mouth around it (it wriggles oh my god) and kind of slurp, like it's a popsicle. 

"Fuck yes," Karkat gasps, and thrusts into your mouth.

Quite abruptly you have no control at all. It's all you can do to keep breathing through your nose and your jaw relaxed as he thrusts into you, uses you, those big eyes lust-glazed as he stares into yours. You're pretty much his fucktoy right now, restrained as you are, and it's so hot you might come without anyone touching your dick at all.

You squirm, which gets you your hair yanked again as Karkat thrusts in and just stays there, staring at you. You give him your most innocent, pleading look and whine what would be his name if you didn't have a mouthful of alien dick. Karkat shudders and tries to strangle a moan, so you do it again, begging him with every inch of you for-- wow, you don't know what any more, to let you fuck him, to come in your mouth, either of those would be good so long as you win.

Karkat thrusts into you again, gasping, and you bring out the big guns, burrowing into his crotch even though you almost choke, and _whimpering_ \--

He yanks your head back so violently tears spring into your eyes. "N-nice try, asshole," Karkat gasps. 

You cough and pout. "It a-almost worked, too!"

Gamzee is suddenly close behind you. "Way your bulge is drooling, it woulda been a close race." Two cool, slick fingers push between your buttcheeks and rub your asshole. You squeak and squirm. "Too bad I couldn't find the lube a little faster."

Your dick throbs and you blurt a moan despite yourself. "S-stop that!"

"Why, because you like it too much?" Karkat says.

Gamzee's fingers press into your all-too-willing asshole. "YES!" you wail.

Karkat snickers and looks at Gamzee. "Keep going."

"WHAT!" You whimper for real now as Gamzee starts thrusting his fingers, slow and gentle. "Nooo this isn't fair!" Fair or not, your asshole is happy to let him in and your whole crotch aches with want. You blurt a moan and Karkat snickers again. "Karkat, come on! Please? I want to fuck you!"

"Oh no shit? So that's why you were humping me in the library," Karkat says, all acid sarcasm. "Just couldn't wait to get fuck-deep in my nook."

"Can't say as I'm blaming him," Gamzee rumbles as he thrusts his fingers faster, making you moan and shudder. "You got the sweetest nook, brother." 

Karkat flushes. "Yeah, well, we don't always get what we want, especially when we're a voyeuristic, bulge-teasing little fuckhead." He yanks your hair and you whine. "And as it turns out, I want to fuck you."

Your eyes go wide. "But you _said_ \--"

"I changed my mind," Karkat says sweetly. "Gamzee, get him bent over the lounging platform."

You pout and twist, but that doesn't stop Gamzee from pulling his fingers free (you blurt a protesting sound despite yourself) and hauling you to your feet. Seconds later you find yourself sprawled face-down on the lounger with your ass in the air and rough hands pulling your pants the rest of the way off.

"This isn't fair," you complain again as warm hands -- Karkat's -- rub your ass. You press up into his touch before you remember you're supposed to be protesting. You huff and say, "You didn't even ask me if I want to do this."

"Oh?" The hands go away. "Huh. I guess I'd better leave while Gamzee unties you, then, so you can rub one out in peace."

Your whole body jerks with the force of the 'no' you feel. "Wait! Waitwaitwaitwait I didn't mean it that way," you gasp. "You can, uh, you can totally do me, sure!" A very long second passes. You lift your hips invitingly. "Karkaaat, come ooooon!"

Karkat laughs and slaps your ass. "I knew it. Gamzee, where's the lube, do I need to finger fuck him more?"

Gamzee chuckles. "Nah, he's _easy_ , brother, like his asshole's been waiting for a bulge all his life."

You go hot all over with shame and aching arousal at having your thoughts turned around on you. "W-wow, rude."

"True, though. Here, brother, let me do it." You squeak as the head of Karkat's bulge strokes against your asshole. "Get you nice and wet for him."

"I bet h-he's already dripping," you retort. No matter how good his dick feels, you're still pissed you don't get to fuck him. "Like, speaking of made for bulges, I-I bet he could take two at once--"

You yelp as Karkat yanks your hair, forcing you to arch your back. "What the fuck did you just say?"

You start panting as the head of his bulge pushes into you. "I-I said I bet you could take two dicks at once!" He pushes further into you and you groan. "A-and you'd love it, because you're a total slut, you need to get fucked like three times a daaaAAAAAH!"

Oh god, oh god, having a dick inside you that wiggles and pulses is so weird. You're too overwhelmed to do anything but pant as Karkat snarls and yanks your hair. "Those are rich fucking words from someone we caught with his hand in his pants--"

"A little breeze told me he's been jerkin' it so much, sometimes he can't wait to get to his own block," Gamzee purrs.

You make an outraged sound that turns into a yelp as Karkat thrusts into you again. "Y-yeah, well, you're still a slut-- AH!" You whimper as he starts bucking into you, god, you're so _full_. "I'm surprised you haven't asked e-everyone else to fuck you to keep you quiet, they could start a rotation--"

"I thought you'd be the one who wants to do all the fucking," Karkat says as he pounds you. "But now it sounds like-- you can't keep up with me--"

Your whimpers are getting downright embarrassing, but you can't help it -- Karkat fucks you way harder than you could ever manage to fuck yourself, and his bulge moves inside you in ways a dildo never could. You want to come so bad you could scream, but you still manage to gasp out, "I can totally keep up with you, I c-could fuck you through the floor six times a day and still have e-energy to kick your butt at Mario Kart--" 

"Haha, damn, windybro, I didn't know you had that kinda mouth on you," Gamzee drawls. A cool hand wraps around your aching dick and strokes lazily. "Still feeling mouthy?"

"Aah aah aah oh god oh _god_ ," you blurt. That slow stroking is making that hot, heavy ache in your crotch so strong, it crawls up your spine and starts unraveling what little self-control you have. "Come ooon, faster!"

"Should I?" Gamzee asks Karkat.

Karkat yanks your hair viciously. "N-no, let him scream about it--"

"Karkaaat! Karkat, come on, please? Please!" Oh god you're going to die if you don't come soon. You shudder and squirm but that only gets your hair yanked. "Please, Karkat, I'll suck you off whenever you want, I'll worship your nook--" Karkat _moans_ and you think, bingo, just before you realize that you probably don't want him to come before you do! You try to thrust into Gamzee's hand, to no avail. "Stop being such a jerk about it and let me come already!"

Karkat moans before he gasps out, "Wh-what do you say--"

"I said please already, god!" You wail as Gamzee strokes you a little faster, but not nearly fast enough. "PLEASE! Please please all the pleases oh my god please--" 

Gamzee chuckles and strokes you faster, finally fast enough. You sob out a cry and try to buck into it, but between Karkat fucking you and the hold he has on your hair you can only quiver and cry out. "Fuck yes, take my bulge, you bastard," Karkat growls, jerking at your hair. You sob out another cry as that hot ache fills you like he's filling you, and threatens to spill over. "Let's hear how much you like me riding _your_ ass--"

You thrash and _explode_ , screams tearing from you as Karkat pounds you and Gamzee pumps you dry. You can't even come down; between Karkat's tenderly snarled insults and Gamzee playing with your dick, you're caught quaking between them, pleasure burning almost unbearably through you. When Karkat's snarls give way to those delicious cries you've wanted so much, you jerk and sob with him, until his hold on your hair gives out and you get a sudden face full of lounger.

You're reeling and crosseyed until well after Karkat has quieted and stilled from his relentless assault on your ass -- until he pulls out, in fact, and that you manage a noise of protest. That earns you a snicker from someone before you're left to listen to them murmur and rustle around as they clean up.

After a moment, though, you have to find your words. "Uh. Guys?"

Karkat flops down onto the lounger, almost on top of you, and gives you a dirty look. " _What_."

You smile winningly up at him. "Um. Could you untie me? My arms are starting to hurt."

He narrows his eyes. "You have to accept one condition."

"What, again?" Karkat looks pointedly away and you huff. "Okay, okay!"

Karkat leans forward, gets right in your face. "If you ever hump me in public again, I'm tying you up and making you watch Gamzee 'calm me down'-- and I won't let you get off."

"Right on, brother," Gamzee says cheerfully, and smacks your ass.

You yelp and twitch. "Okay, okay, I promise! No, seriously, I promise I won't," you say at Karkat's disbelieving frown. "Please untie me?"

"Yeah, go ahead." Karkat gestures and Gamzee starts freeing you from your shirt. 

It doesn't take more than a few moments -- hell, you might have been able to free yourself, if you'd needed to. You make a show of stretching out your arms, which were kind of sore, before flopping yourself down onto the lounger and on top of Karkat.

"What the fuck, John?!"

You giggle as you press up against him (naked wow you're both naked this is so awesome) and hump his hip. "You didn't say anything about humping you in private!"

"Augh!" Karkat smacks at you. "Do humans not have a refractory period?!"

On the floor, Gamzee leans back on his hands and grins lazily. "I know my palebro pretty much doesn't."

"GAMZEE!" Karkat yells indignantly as he rolls on top of you and starts humping you back. You grab his ass and grin to yourself. This is turning out to be pretty much the best day _ever_.

 

ectoBiologist opened a new memo on board SUP3R S3CR3T WORRYW4RT ROOM. Topic is i figured it out guys!!!

EB: so hey!   
EB: i got to our big mystery's bottom.  
EB: you can thank me at your leisure.  
GC: WH4T 3V1D3NC3 D1D YOU F1ND?  
TG: yeah pics or it didnt happen  
EB: um.  
EB: well, that's the thing, nothing happened! not like we were thinking, anyway.  
EB: you see, no illicit substances were involved whatsoever.  
EB: karkat and gamzee are just really good moirails who discovered a super special massage technique.  
EB: turns out if you rub karkat in the right place he goes all floppy. heh, isn't that a riot?  
TT: Rub in... the right place?  
EB: yeah!  
EB: and they noticed i was kind of tense too, from all the investigating and worrying, so they showed me how.  
EB: it's pretty great! better than i imagined, in fact.  
EB: so now we're going to have special friendleader bonding and massage time on a regular basis.  
GA: This Sounds Kind Of  
GA: Hm  
GG: heheh i think i know what he means  
GG: you guys are totally fucking, aren't you?  
EB: what!  
EB: no way!  
EB: i won't stand for this slander. 

EB has left memo.

TT: They're definitely fucking.  
GC: L1K3 HOPB34STS  
TG: well now i really do want pictures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who persevered this whole time it took me to finish this fic. We did it! We made it to the end. \o/


End file.
